Regrets in prison?
Regrets in prison
After
being out for several years, I have had plenty of time to look at the
past, and with the help of all the journals I have written while in
prison, I can easily go back and look at that snapshot of life I had in
prison.
By no means was it a treasure, but in an odd way, there was a wealth of information and experience that I have.
So
this entry might sound a bit weird, when you really think about it. But
here is my debate tonight; did I have any regrets about prison?
The answer is simple…yes.
Most
of you are gonna say something simple like, “I bet you regret going to
prison”. But that is not what this entry is about. It’s about
regretting what I could have done, or what I didn’t do while I was
there.
So what is that important, why should you care? I don’t
suppose it would mean a hill of beans to someone who has never been
there, but for every human being that has entered a prison or jail
scenario, the chances of coming out “reformed” are incredibly slight.
Negative situations don’t change people into better ones, no matter
what people say.
But it is in those times where a human being
may find himself, and realize that the world around him needs him or
her. I can’t change the planet from the North Pole to the South Pole,
but in the greatest sense, what I do can change it.
Think of a
pitcher full of fresh brewed tea (of course I am gonna talk about tea,
I like tea!). Think of a bottle of lemon juice right beside it. As long
as that lemon juice sits beside it, that tea does not change from it’s
current taste. I don’t care how close you put that bottle to the
pitcher, it won’t change the taste of that tea to a lemony flavor. In
fact, if the cap in on tight, you can drop the bottle INTO the tea, and
it still won’t change the taste…although most will think twice about
drinking that tea anyway.
Now, if you take the cap off that
bottle and pour a few capfuls in there, THEN you would have changed the
taste, and rather significantly at that. To some people it might be too
strong of lemon, others the opposite, but it would clearly be changed.
But
here is my point. Even if you put one DROP in that tea, it would
change. Yes, even if one drop of tea fell into that pitcher, it would
be changed. And yeah, I know nearly every one of you would argue that
the taste would not change, simply because you could not detect the
hint of lemon, but I challenge you that the mere makeup, the
composition of that drink DID change, even if you can’t detect it.
Same
with life. People keep thinking that they have to make some kinda
landmark change in the world to be know as an important person. Like
doctors, politicians and the sort. Everyone wants to be at the front of
the “hero” line.
But often times that is not where the real
heroes lie. Most times they involve everyday activities, even in
negative situations…like prison.
So you ask me what I regret, not
understanding that you can regret things even in a negative situation.
But yes, there are things I do regret, and if for some strange incident
I end up going back in time, back to when I first entered prison, would
I do things differently.
Yeah, I would…but it may still result in exactly the same thing.
Although
I did write on my journals while in prison, I would have written more.
As each day passes I realize how valuable it was for me to write while
in the most depressing days of my life. It has become a strong
foundation for my posts and blogs, and has helped so many. Even after 5
years, I have only shared maybe 25 percent of my journals. But my
desire to write was challenged by my depression, so I didn’t write as
much as I should have.
If I could have done anything else, I might have tried to be more…positive.
That’s
a push, because I was that way with those I was around, but I am
speaking as a person who sees NOW what I have been through. I know
hindsight is 20/20, but sometimes I sit here thinking of all the guys I
met and got to know. In nearly every situation, as in life, you have
some ability to make someone’s life better, neutral or worse.
It
would take a Herculean effort to try to make everyone happy, and you’d
run out of patience trying to do that. So it is not human nature to
make everyone happy, because we don’t have the strength to do something
like that. But you CAN try to help those who cross your path….
Don’t act like you have never heard that before!
Even
in prison, heck, ESPECIALLY in prison, there must be people who are a,
for lack of sounding too corny, LIGHT in a dark place. And fewer places
are darker than prison. But even there, someone has to be that guy that
has a better attitude than others. I am not saying that was me, but I
am saying that despite my situation being in prison, I could not let it
engulf me to the point where life was not worth living…
Which is odd, because I felt that way many times.
But
the strange thing about that was that I often felt that way when I was
alone. But when I got around people, it was like the worst of that pain
was not there. I might feel like crap in bed, angry at God for screwing
my life up, but when I got out of bed and got dressed and started to
mingle with a few of the other guys I knew, it was like I felt that I
had to ward off my personal feelings and emulate a positive attitude
about myself. Heck, prison was bad enough without me trying hard, why
make it impossible.
The way I kinda envisioned it was,
spiritually speaking, it falls in place with the saying, “the idle mind
is the devil’s playground”. It seems that when I was to myself, the
negative voices of condemnation, fear, failure and doubt were like
fighting dragons. But when I occupied my mind with other things, it
wasn’t nearly so bad. It was still there, but not as bad.
I
found this out, and even putting it to the test while in county jail. I
had spent months in a single cell, often times praying and reading
scriptures, while at the same time fighting myself. When you are in
isolation, you are allowed to go outside of the “yard” once a day,
during the weekdays, for about an hour, if the officers can “find the
time”.
Outside was an enclosed area with high walls of concrete,
maybe 25 feet high or so. The area was probably as wide as a decent
sized house, maybe about 30 steps by 20, if I could remember correctly.
Anyway, I often walked around the area, pacing myself and getting my
thoughts. This would be the only time I could really stretch my legs.
It also gave me time to think…about what it depends.
But what I
found was something pretty interesting. Often times when other inmates
come out (other isolation inmates and sometimes the juveniles) many
would hang out near the window area, trying to get the attention of a
passing guard for something. That meant the rest of the yard was open
for walking, which I did.
I would try to “zone” on some
thinking, whether about some scripture, or something else in general,
and I found that when I walked away from the other guys, I could think
more clearly and focus more. But when I got back around towards the
guys, my thoughts were shattered and I could not think until I walked
past them.
It had nothing to do with their volume, nor of them
actually bothering me. It was something else. It was like their
“presence” was creating a disturbances….Yeah I know it sounds corny,
but let me finish!
I noticed that each time I walked around that
yard, I could have clearer thinking until I got back around to them,
and then I could not focus. I started to think of it as if the spirits
of doubt and unbelief were swarming around them like bats in a chimney
or bees around honey. If you got too close, they might come around you
as a warning. But stay away from them, and you would be fine.
It
sounds really weird, but that is the best picture I can give about
thinking positively, even in jail or prison. I noticed this many times,
in jail and in prison. I could be focused on some things, but around
the wrong people, even if you are not even talking to them, it can
shatter your concentration. But on the other side, maybe, just maybe if
a person holds that kinda positive thoughts, it might also ATTRACT
people to him.
I believe this happens everywhere, including prison,
and I think this is one thing I wish I could have done more of. I am
always reminded by what one guy said to me, that “it’s hard to be down
when you’re around”, means that somehow there has to be truth to this,
and that even in prison there are “points of light”…no I am NOT
endorsing that foundation.
I know that many other inmates had it
MUCH harder than me, but I also know my time was no tea party either.
But what I do realize is that I cannot change time, so I can’t go back
to better the past. Still, what I do believe is that for the time I was
in prison, and between my fights between God and myself, I still
maintained that I did as best I could to help other inmates. Whether
that means talking about sports, writing a grievance, explaining
something to them about the rules or reading a letter to an inmate from
his girlfriend, because he can’t read. I know I did my best to make
prison a little more tolerable for some people, and even if God hated
my guts during my incarceration (you’d have to read “Grades of Honor”
to understand) I strongly believe God could not deny that this inmate
abided by the commandment, “love thy neighbor”…even though my feelings
for Him were not always pleasant.
I do regret however, not
pushing that envelope just a little bit more. It would have brought me
more enemies, as I was kicked out of several prisons, but somehow if
that ticked off the devil, so what, I don’t owe him a damn thing anyway.